Back in the before times, before the fires and the disease came, you could feed bread to ducks without being cancelled by the bird police. Just grab a sliced pan of wholewheat Warburtons and hurl it into a lake, then watch as every duck, swan and anaemic-looking goose in the postcode descended upon it in a feathery gale, quacking and honking and feasting in a sordid maelstrom of avian debauchery. Now, say the bird police, it is only appropriate to feed fresh organic frozen peas to the ducks, otherwise their insides will turn to slime and their beaks will go soft and drop off.
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