Chivalry 2 is most fun when sat on a bench

The tutorial for medieval first-person slasher Chivalry 2 felt like I'd attended my first zumba class run by Stanis Boratheon. I was told the art of warfare lay in the swing of your hips, not your sword. And that to riposte, you match your opponent's movements. But to break someone's guard you use your legs. Got that? Orders were barked, "sir yes sir", and I barely kept pace.

Then I was enlisted into the Siege of Rudhelm. I'd need to stoically defend a fortress with all the moves I'd learned, and I was stressed out. So when the gates opened and I roared my battlecry, naturally, the little I remembered escaped from my mouth and into the breeze. I swung wildly with zero hip-action expecting to get cut down, only to find it worked quite nicely. I even sat down mid-battle and remained unscathed. Then I realised no-one knew what they were doing at all, and I relaxed.

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